Beach or bust!

So this week we are heading off to the beach to stay and I’m so excited because one of my favorite things to do is lay around in the sun and do nothing… and if my friends happen to come over and do nothing with me it’s even sweeter!! As my dear friend says even though it’s bad for you, nothing feels as good… and besides you know you need the Vitamin D

So as I was making a grocery list sitting with my husband talking about what we wanted to eat and what junk food we wanted to have since it’s our vacation and I don’t normally allow that stuff in the house, we have the follow conversation:

Kenny: Bring all the alcohol in the house too

Me: Lush… what kind do you want because I’m going to buy wine when we get there (proceeds to write wine on the top of the list followed by ice cream because that’s how we roll on vacation)

Kenny: oh I’m sure you will be getting wine

Me: Oh yes it will be boughten

Kenny: I don’t think that’s a word

Me: yes huh, it’s totally a word… like gotten

Kenny: I don’t think so… is this what happen to the wine we already had ( he swears he is funny)

Me: I’m looking it up

So I did and as it turns out it’s a dialect word and it was in the “Little House on the Prairie” book series so I feel completely justified in my usage … he didn’t really believe me but since we have these arguments habitually its really nothing new. Thank God for google so I can bask in my superiority…. Or so I can hear about it the rest of my life if I’m wrong… I wonder if other people are as crazy as we are sometimes, but then I look at my friends and think “yup they totally are” J

 Peace, love and sunshine my friends, hope you all have a chance to lay around and do nothing this week with me.  

Take a sip my pretty!!!

Continuing  on my current job searching theme I’ll continue to bore you guys with the details of what I’m seeing out there… and it ain’t pretty!  Apparently I’m qualified for the following: cook, house cleaner, baby sitter, hair stylist, nurse, web cam star (oh yeah I’m sure the world wants to see these stretch marks), security officer, seamstress, realtor, teacher, apartment painter, waitress, sales, pool man, pizza maker and my own personal favorite: at home wine taster (which I’m pretty sure I might be already?)  Wait these were just the listings for part-time in the job postings… Crap I think I might be going about this the wrong way…

Actually honest to God there was a post for “Gregarious wine tasters” to present wine to your fellow wine lovers and then you get commission on what they buy…. So you are basically inviting over your wino friends, getting them drunk and forcing them to then buy this wine to support your habit… seems about right to me J I’ve had jewelry, candle and “toy” parties in the past that always included lots of wine… this is like cutting out the middle man!! If these poor upscale wine makers in California only knew the screw top, 4 dollar bottle of Wild Vines that has been my favorite for years they would probably run screaming back to Napa and hide in their Spanish inspired, arch filled architecture.  Since all I pretty much know about wine falls between  “me likey adult juice” and “a whole bottle doesn’t go as far as is used to” I graciously passed on applying for this one… after all I can’t really afford to be a snob about wine and I’m really already high maintenance enough (just ask my husband)

The more I think about it, maybe I should combine the wine tasting with the web cam model and kill 2 birds… just think of all the creative product placement… I’ll pitch that idea to the respective parties tomorrow… my gifted teacher in 3^rd grade once told my mom that one day someone was going to pay me the big bucks for ideas, maybe this is my destiny finally coming through, or I’ve just been drinking too many wine sulfites.

Not sure I’m cut out for this thing you call a “job”

So I went to my very first interview today in 8 years… while it went really well I feel like I really didn’t communicate well to my potential employer what he might be taking on with me…  here is my list of requirements for a position:

·         Must have plenty of “downtime” after all I need time to post on Facebook and my blog… my fans need me!

·         Loosely enforced dress code… if I want to roll in with jeans and a tank top on, you should just appreciate the spectacular view of my rack you are probably going to get all day

·         A high end single serve coffee pot is a must have… I need the afternoon pick me up or else you will be pestered for trips to Starbucks… consider yourself warned

·         Dual computer monitors so I can watch TV and have Facebook  email up at the same time

·         Space for my hot pink mirror and hot pink I-pod speakers, a girl needs her own personal touches!

·         Absolutely no manual labor… these are not the hands of someone who moves things for a living!

·         Be ready to agree with me or run the risk of getting the horns… I’ve tried to tell people you mess with the bull enough it’s going to happen, not sure why people don’t believe me

·         About 2 hours of the day I will be engaged in catching up with my girlfriends on the phone, sorry if someone calls that’s what voicemail is for

·         Pretty much free reign of any office situations… I like to be top dog

    

Hope all my potential employers are fans of mine so they can get the rules down now!

Also P.S. if you don’t believe any of this list is true you can call my old boss who despite any of the above still misses me terribly J

Wanted: A job where taking off your clothes is a privilege not necessity

So embarking on a job hunt has been entertaining at the very least… here was a wonderful little gem I stumbled across in craigslist, I’m going to decipher his code for you in red J

Local Business owner seeks a Female (capital F is like a super female right?) for office work and personal assistant position. This is a part time psotion. (Maybe this is why an assistant, to have someone else type)  This is a work at home position.(Your Home!) (duh??) Looking for someone who has computer knowledge and is outgoing.
The job will entail being a personal assistant to my personal needs. (hmmm this is getting weird and slightly creepy)

Research, Marketing, travel arrangements, appointment setting and releiving the daily stresses through giving massages. (WTF!!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!!!)

Please respond with a resume/experience, a little about you, (like what? I like long walks on the beach?)  your ability to handleEACH of the tasks (ok double entendre)  and hourly salary requirements. Interviews will be set up this week. Age (over 18) (uh yeah over 18 because it’s kinda like a hooker assistant) Unimportant (oh wait so old hookers are ok?)

Ok does this post not sound like it should be started with “Dear Playboy” or what!!! So let me get this straight: First you can work from your home, but you have to be around to “assist” in “personal needs”  (isn’t that kinda of redundant - personal assistant) how are you supposed to work from your own home and give awesome stress relieving massages i.e. happy endings… I’m surprised there was no request for a picture with this one, because honestly I was expecting a P.S. of no fatties allowed at the bottom.

Here would be my response to him:

Dear DB poster ,

Since I have a healthy self esteem I don’t feel the need to list out reasons why I would make a great personal assistant- to assist you in your “personal needs” like you have requested. No amount of money on the face of the earth could make me ever want to “releive” anything on or around your person.  While I’m sure the stress of simply being you is enough to cause horrible muscular spasms, the thought of being around your shear ickyness makes me want to vomit, which would for sure ruin your massages for good. Please do humanity a favor and remove yourself from public places where you might have to have contact with anyone ever!

Sincerely,

The most grossed out Female searcher

Honestly the audacity of people is astounding! Hopefully the next post marked sexual slave will have more possibilities then this one did!

WTF Life I already told you no more lemons!!!!!!

So to top off my already semi crappy week, upon arriving at work yesterday I was told that effective immediately my position was being eliminated… so pretty much pack your sh*t and get out. Needless to say it was a long day and while I held it together for the most part, the simple unfairness of it was killing me. I liked my job, I was good at it and I really loved my boss; the thought of working somewhere else after so many years is a little daunting and extremely unappealing. Luckily I have a little bit of time to look and find a good fit for me and I’m grateful I’m married to someone who is ok with me working part-time. SOOOOOOO in the mean time I have created a to do list to pass the time:

·         Update my facebook employer status to Super Blogger Extraordinaire

·         Rearrange my entire house daily so my husband is confused when he walks in at night

·         Work on my tan lines J

·         Get caught up on all my magazines besides the ones that have sexy titles

·         Think of more creative excuses for not working out

·         Explore new ways to save money by making my own bread, yogurt, cheese, butter, etc.

·         Creatively loaf at all my friend’s houses who are also home during the days

I’m confident that something will come up that is right for me, but until then I’m going to enjoy having a clean house and time with my kids.

Dear Life, I don’t even like lemons!!!

Been hurting about a few things the past few days and while I wish it wasn’t so, the reality of life is sometimes stuff happens and people do things that we don’t understand, and can’t do anything about. Since this is my blog though I can at least vent about it and maybe someone else can help their hurts too. This whole situation really makes me want to revert back to my teenage self and stay in my bed listening to “Everybody Hurts” on my I-pod (well teenage Mandi had a Discman) but unfortunately my kids still have to eat and my husband does have to work (actually so do I… man being an adult sucks sometimes) So I have to keep reminding myself that I can only control me and people are going to do what they are going to do, they have made their choices and I have made mine.  Sometimes the best and hardest thing we can do is to let go and move on. The Serenity Prayer keeps running through my mind but I found this as an old Mother Goose rhyme and it seems to fit.

For every ailment under the sun

There is a remedy, or there is none;

If there be one, try to find it;

If there be none, never mind it.

(W.W. Bartley)

So I’m working on never minding it and reminding myself that time and distance heal a lot of things including my heavy heart… not to mention trying to get rid of that song stuck in my head! Where is my angry girl music when I need it! (says teenage Mandi- Alanis rocks!!)

My EveDallasSookieStackhouseRachelMorganCatCrawfordRileyJensonMacKaylaLane loving behind…

Not so long ago I was reading someone else’s blog who I generally really like and enjoy, however this particular post was about “chick porn” and in it she was comparing romance novels to actual porn stating that it gives women unrealistic expectations like pornography does for men…. Well I responded to her that I really disagreed, but something happened to her blog and my responses were lost which was kinda a pisser since I thought I had really good points… SO now that this is MY blog I can talk about whatever I want so here is it…

I’m going to start this with I read A LOT… anyone who knows me, knows this and I’m all over the place with my reading, I enjoy mysteries and gritty crime novels, to some urban fantasy and nonfiction… and even romance novels *gasps dramatically* . So I also feel like I have a really fair point of view about “bodice rippers” as a friend of mine I used to work with called romance novels. Are they unrealistic… yes its called FICTION… If you are getting an unrealistic view of men because you are reading too many romance novels, then you also need to stop watching TV and any romantic movies as well. Horror movies are fine because they tend to kill off anyone that has sex so that’s completely realistic. Also you will need to avoid some classics as well… because Lord Byrons and Edward Rochesters are all over the place just waiting to sweep you off your governess feet… my point to the original blogger was just because I read mysteries it doesn’t make me think I’m Sherlock Holmes (although I think I’d be awesome) nor would reading some urban fantasy make me want to be a vampire or werewolf… trying to compare a full blown novel that is obviously fiction, to a photograph or video of airbrush and touched up porn stars is like comparing apples to naked chicks, and I don’t think it’s giving women enough credit. Is it unrealistic to expect men to sweep you off your feet and take care of you in a lifestyle where you will never have to work again and have every whim obeyed, yes it is just a smidge ( man I’m such a dream killer) … it’s not unrealistic though to watch my husband play Barbies with our daughter, to have him unload the dishwasher or to maybe bring me home grocery store flowers… but who would want to read a book about all that… it’s real life and wonderful to me but it’s BORING!!! So even as I write this I’m bidding on a lot of books off of Ebay because real life also consists of a budget and I’m not going to stop reading my unrealistic books with completely unrealistic characters, life is hard enough let me get my Hercule Poirot on and read what I want to read without someone pointing out the flaws… I’m already wise to them I’m a real detective after all