Wanted: A job where taking off your clothes is a privilege not necessity

So embarking on a job hunt has been entertaining at the very least… here was a wonderful little gem I stumbled across in craigslist, I’m going to decipher his code for you in red J

Local Business owner seeks a Female (capital F is like a super female right?) for office work and personal assistant position. This is a part time psotion. (Maybe this is why an assistant, to have someone else type)  This is a work at home position.(Your Home!) (duh??) Looking for someone who has computer knowledge and is outgoing.
The job will entail being a personal assistant to my personal needs. (hmmm this is getting weird and slightly creepy)

Research, Marketing, travel arrangements, appointment setting and releiving the daily stresses through giving massages. (WTF!!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!!!)

Please respond with a resume/experience, a little about you, (like what? I like long walks on the beach?)  your ability to handleEACH of the tasks (ok double entendre)  and hourly salary requirements. Interviews will be set up this week. Age (over 18) (uh yeah over 18 because it’s kinda like a hooker assistant) Unimportant (oh wait so old hookers are ok?)

Ok does this post not sound like it should be started with “Dear Playboy” or what!!! So let me get this straight: First you can work from your home, but you have to be around to “assist” in “personal needs”  (isn’t that kinda of redundant - personal assistant) how are you supposed to work from your own home and give awesome stress relieving massages i.e. happy endings… I’m surprised there was no request for a picture with this one, because honestly I was expecting a P.S. of no fatties allowed at the bottom.

Here would be my response to him:

Dear DB poster ,

Since I have a healthy self esteem I don’t feel the need to list out reasons why I would make a great personal assistant- to assist you in your “personal needs” like you have requested. No amount of money on the face of the earth could make me ever want to “releive” anything on or around your person.  While I’m sure the stress of simply being you is enough to cause horrible muscular spasms, the thought of being around your shear ickyness makes me want to vomit, which would for sure ruin your massages for good. Please do humanity a favor and remove yourself from public places where you might have to have contact with anyone ever!

Sincerely,

The most grossed out Female searcher

Honestly the audacity of people is astounding! Hopefully the next post marked sexual slave will have more possibilities then this one did!