Life is a bowl of cherries

Living well is the best revenge… I heard this the other night watching TV and while I’ve always heard it before and actually thought it wasn’t bad advice ( because let’s face it karma is a nasty beotch )until recently I’m not sure I ever contemplated if it was possible.  Can you live well and still even want revenge… maybe that’s the point of the saying, that if you are living well you can’t want revenge. I’m not so sure that’s true though, I think you can live well and even be happy but still want a nice little f-you to some people. I’ve struggled to write this and mulled it over again and again in my mind because as much as I want to move past my hurts and have my live well revenge, an equal part of me wants to lash out and punch people. 

I’d like nothing better than to be able to move on and forgive or even just forget and feel completely indifferent, but unfortunately it’s not always that simple.  Time heals all wounds or so they say but I think the reality is time scabs over wounds and allows them to heal, but even wounds that are healed can still scar. I hope to reach my living well revenge, I hope to get to the point where it’s just reality and not revenge. Where I can look back on my situations and say that was just that moment in time and now it’s past. If we can’t we are no different from the bitter Miss Havishams of the world locked away with a rotting wedding cake… and that I refuse to give into.

updated: I posted this a little while ago and struggled hard because I didn't want to wrap my head around things that were happening in my life. I have finally reached my living well revenge and I am happy to report that it did take some time and clarity but it is also possible. I never really thought that not caring would be a great feeling, but my time to grieve and be angry has passed and at the end of the day it's just not worth my energy.

Greener Grass

Several years ago I read an article about a woman who divorced her husband because they never fought.  She felt like they were lacking the passion to fight and therefore she left him and found someone that she regularly argued with.  At the time when I read this I was pretty floored, this woman left her husband and broke up the home of her kids because she felt like she was lacking the passion enough to fight?? To this day this article has never left me but as time and age normally do, my opinion on this has changed. I thought then and I still think she was wrong but for different reasons. 

When I first read this as a young married woman having a marriage where no one fought sounded perfect and while I understood her complaining about a lack of passion to fight I didn’t really get it. To me her choice to rip apart her family because of something so benign as not fighting was ridiculous.  Fast forward 9 years and I get it, but I still think she was wrong. I think she didn’t get what her problem was and probably never solved it. I would love to know if she is still married to the guy she now argues with. I don’t think she was married to the wrong guy, I don’t think it even really had anything to do with him, I think she was being disingenuous to herself and was blaming the lack of passion and fighting in her marriage on him. I think like us all she made choices and settled for what she thought she wanted and gave up things that she shouldn’t have. I would bet that if she realized what she was doing and started asking for what she needed instead of settling there would have been plenty of arguments and fighting. Maybe she was married to the wrong guy that certainly does happen, but I think what is more likely is she lost sight of who she was.  

It’s so easy to let the stuff go that shouldn’t be, to let yourself not care because it just takes so much or you’re so tired of being the one that does all the fighting but you can’t be untrue to yourself it will never serve anyone and it steals who you are what you can offer.

Can’t see the forest for the trees

I’ve often heard this phrase and up until about a week ago I really thought I understood what it meant. I thought it meant that you can’t see the big picture in something because you were lost in the details, where all the branches and the leaves were muddling you and keeping you from seeing that you were in the middle of a forest.  Like if you could just step outside of yourself and get an aerial view of the forest you would see the pattern and understand what was going on.  Maybe that’s true to an extent, a rudimentary view , something easy to say to describe someone or something… but I have a different opinion now.  I think that the leaves and the branches are so overwhelming and confusing that you can’t make out one tree from another. That you are so lost and confused that you don’t give a crap where the forest is, you just want out of the stupid trees and roots and leaves and branches that all look the same. You want to find a nice clearing where there is nothing around to confuse you and make you feel like you don’t know where you are and what you are doing.  Well I’m in the middle of the trees now and while I have no idea how to get out of here and which way I’m going, I know that even the most massive of forests have an end. Somewhere there is a stream, a river, a mountain, some sort of landmark that I’m going to latch onto and use as a guide. I don’t need an aerial view to make sense of the big picture; I just need to get to my clearing.